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Choosing Lovers

Patterns of Romance How You Select Partners in Intimacy, The Ways You Connect and Why You Break Apart

Martin Blinder, M.D. with Carmen Lynch, M.S.W.


When romantic love strikes the heart, even the most profound and self-assured of thinkers are left dumbfounded and uneasy. It is startling just how little we really know about a process that captures so many, so often, so easily, and to such irrevocable effect. Rarely have we enough data to fathom why in heaven’s name our friends pick the mates they do. And usually, we’re too close to our own no less perplexing romantic experiences to see them with any greater clarity. Choosing Lovers is an all-encompassing picture of romantic relationships in all their richness and complexity, providing answers to questions everyone considers including:

  • Can I really find a soulmate?
  • Why of all the people in the world have I fallen in love with him/her?
  • Do I send out some signal that attracts one kind of lover and puts off others?
  • What are the warning signs of love in danger?
  • What are the different stages of love?
  • How do I rekindle love and intimacy in my relationship?


Choosing Lovers is truly a gem . . . on my list of recommended reading for anyone. Takes the fear out of choosing new lovers. — The Bloomsbury Review

“. . . truly strikes a new chord, achieves higher level of literary insight. . . . marshals unique perspectives culled from years of successful practice. — Paul S. D. Berg, Director, A Psychological Corporation

“The advice here is truly original, Blinder doesn’t speak down to us as inferiors but across as equals. — The Book Reader

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

G. Greene 5 stars

This is one of the BEST self-help books I’ve ever read about relationships. The author explains the different types of love relationships — what makes them work, what makes them fail, and why people are drawn to others — and it is amazing how quickly the reader can apply the categories to past and present amours. The author uses examples that the reader can easily relate to and understand. This is extremely valuable information, and I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has ever failed at romantic relationships in the past and would like to succeed at one (just one!) in the future. Personally, I have it almost memorized and have given it to many of my fellow singles with the hope that next time, armed with knowledge and awareness, we will do better. – M. Hill

“This is really a wonderfully informative book on the types of romantic relationships, the dynamics of attraction, and why love often does not last. This book could be healing for people going through divorce or other painful breakups because it focuses on the personal growth that even bad relationships spur: “Even hugely unhappy, painful and seemingly destructive love relationships in fact constitute adaptation rather than psychopathology-psychological evolution rather than disorder; that each teaches us what we most need to know when we most need to know it; and that our serial choice of lovers is perhaps the most visible, objective measure of our emotional growth and development”

I’m giving it 5 stars because it is a quick read and every page is golden.

MARTIN BLINDER, M.D., is an Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco, and Editor-in-chief of Family Therapy. His numerous publications and credits include Lovers, Killers, Husbands and Wives and Psychiatry in the Everyday Practice of Law. He has been interviewed in numerous publications including Cosmopolitan, Glamour and USA Today, and has been a columnist for First magazine. He has appeared with Oprah Winfrey, Ted Koppel, and Larry King, among others.

Cloth, 222 pages, 6×9
LC 88-83381
ISBN 9780944435755
Selection- Family Therapy
Psychology Today, and
Psychotherapy Book Clubs

List price $21.95
Our price $16.47


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